SYNOPSIS
An astronaut on the moon mistakes another astronaut for an alien.
CHARACTERS
EVANS: An American astronaut, first time on Mars, easily impressed.
OFFICER: A mission control officer communicating from Earth through EVANS’s headset.
POPOVICH: Another astronaut, has been on Mars before. Has a Russian accent.
ALIEN: An alien creature on Mars.
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A NASA spaceship lands on Mars. A hatch opens and EVANS steps out.
EVANS
Wow, I’m finally on friggin’ Mars! Wait, I have to say the thing I memorized. This is one small step for people, and, uhh… One medium-sized step for me. I forget how it’s supposed to go.
OFFICER
(voice coming over EVANS’s headset)
Congratulations on your first landing, Evans!
EVANS hops around in low gravity, overjoyed.
EVANS
Thanks, Mission Control! This is amazing! Woop woop!
EVANS trips over a rock and falls into a small hole in the ground. POPOVICH steps out of the spaceship and closes the hatch.
POPOVICH
Evans, we have work to do. Please stop messing around and help me pick up this rock sample.
EVANS gets up, all turned around and confused.
EVANS
My God! My God!
OFFICER
(voiceover)
What’s the matter, Evans? Talk to me.
EVANS
I have made an incredible discovery. This is a day that will forever be remembered forever as the day that human history changed forever. You will not believe me. I am seeing with my own eyes... an extra-terrestrial being!
OFFICER
(voiceover)
Evans, are you declaring a Code Green? Please confirm Code Green.
POPOVICH
What? I don’t see an extra-terrestrial anywhere. It’s not a Code Green.
EVANS
Wowee! It’s standing right in front of me. I think it’s trying to communicate with me! I can hear it on my headset somehow! Mission Control, are you receiving this?
OFFICER
(voiceover)
Yes, Evans. It has a really messed up voice. I’ve never heard anything like it. We’ve officially declared Code Green. Please proceed according to protocol.
POPOVICH
No, Mission Control, it’s just me, Captain Popovich. Evans, we’ve been traveling together for 4 months. How do you not recognize me? I’m wearing a NASA spacesuit, for God’s sake.
EVANS
Okay, Mission Control. Activating Code Green protocol. Greetings, extra-terrestrial being. I am a human from Planet Earth. My name is Evans. Do you have a name?
POPOVICH
(extremely frustrated, gesturing wildly)
You idiot! It’s always something dumb with you. I don’t know how I lasted for 4 months.
EVANS
I do not understand what you are saying. Please remain calm.
OFFICER
(voiceover)
Evans, keep going. You’re doing great. We’re working on a translation for what this creature is trying to say.
POPOVICH
I’m speaking English, you assholes. I just have an accent. It’s not even that thick of an accent!
EVANS
Alien, I do not understand you, but I understand that you are agitated. We come in peace. This is only an exploration mission. This is an important moment for the history of both of our planets.
POPOVICH
God damn it!
EVANS
Mission Control, this alien has become aggressive. Activate Code Red.
OFFICER
(voiceover)
Our scientists detect aggression in its voice, too. Activating Code Red. Go ahead, Evans.
EVANS pulls out a GUN and aims it at POPOVICH.
POPOVICH
No! Stop it! It’s not a Code Red, it’s just me! How is this happening?! Mission Control, what the hell? Evans, put that away!
EVANS
It didn’t have to be this way, alien. We could have been friends.
EVANS shoots POPOVICH, who falls to the ground. Some ALIENS have been watching the whole thing from behind a nearby rock.
ALIEN
(speaking gibberish, but we see English subtitles)
They’re dumber than we thought. Launch the attack now!
Alien spaceships lift off and head toward Earth.
Type: art.sketch.comedy.original
Produced by: The Bye
Notes: This is actually good despite what you feel.
